Fritos Cheese Dip | Louisiana Shrimp Boil | Barbecued Lobsters | Honolulu Cooler | Safari Tonic | Cherries Jubilee

Okay, so the patriotic bologna roll and bean thing just ain't for you. No problem, 'cause we aims to please. The following menu is seafood-oriented but we steered clear of recent acquisitions like "Uses and Preparation of Maine Sardines: America's All-Round Seafood" and the short, but sweet, "Tuna" from the good people at Star-Kist.

I don't know, there's just something nasty about dishes named Maine Sardine Tomato Surprise and Avocado Tuna Mold. Something tells me the words "sardine" and "surprise" should never be put together like that!

Fritos Cheese Dip

Fritos is -- as the booklet says -- the "first choice of millions," but they must've been feeling the heat in 1950. How else do you explain paying people to come up with concoctions like "Fritos Squash" and "Fritos Happy Landings"? Trust me, you don't want to know.

We couldn't pass up the opportunity to cook with Fritos, but "Fritos Pecan Waffles" didn't sound like a good poolside snack... those crushed Fritos are hell on the filter!

A few notes about the recipe... I don't know what the hell "Top Milk" is. Is it a brand? Is it a 1950s term for the milk that's at the top of the bottle? And no, I did not forget to list the paprika used for a garnish. This is a surprise ingredient, though not in the same vein as "Maine Sardine Tomato Surprise."

• 2 pkgs. cream cheese
• 1/4 cup Roquefort Cheese
• 1/4 cup Top Milk
• 2 tsp. lemon juice
• 1 tsp. Worcestershire sauce
• 2 tbsp. mayonnaise
• 2 tsp. minced parsley
• 2 tsp. minced onion
• 1 bag (8 oz.) Fritos, America's favorite corn chips

Allow cream cheese to reach room temperature and add crumbled Roquefort Cheese. Slowly add top milk, beating thoroughly. (Use mixer if possible) Add remaining seasoning and continue beating until mixture is of consistency suitable for dunking without dripping. Pour in serving bowl and garnish with paprika and additional parsley if desired. Dunk FRITOS in mixture. Serves approximately 8. From "Fritos Favorite Recipes" (1950)

Louisiana Shrimp Boil

I'm not sure when "Fish and Shellfish Over the Coals" was written, but the previous year must've been a lawsuit heavy one for the US Department of the Interior who produced this book. How else to explain this handy tip in the "starting the fire..." section of the book: Never use gasoline! Wow. Sorta like how they have to tell you not to use the lawnmower as a hedge trimmer.

• 5 pounds shrimp
• 1 gallon water
• 1 lemon, sliced
• 1 small onion, sliced
• 1/2 cup salt
• 1/2 cup seafood seasoning (THG recommends Old Bay)
• 1 clove garlic, sliced
• Seafood cocktail sauce

Pour water into a large kettle. Add seasonings. Cover and bring to the boiling point. Add shrimp. Cover and simmer for five minutes. Drain. Serve with cocktail sauce. Serves 6. From "Fish and Shellfish Over the Coals" (Year unknown)

Barbecued Lobsters

Nothing goes together like the fine taste of a Lark cigarette and some barbecued gourmet food. That seems to be the message being delivered by this tie-in book, which came FREE with the purchase of one carton of Lark cigarettes. And while the inside cover photo/advertisement insists that Lark will "Put Some More Flavor in Your Life," it is not recommended for use on the lobsters.

Select live spiny, rock or northern lobsters (about 1 pound each). Kill lobster instantly by laying it on its back and inserting tip of sharp knife between tail segment and body, severing the spinal cord, or insert knife in small cross at back of head. [Editor's note: if you've been smoking Larks while doing this you are probably winded and may want to take a quick break.]

Place lobsters over MEDIUM hibachi or grill 5 to 7 inches from heat; cook 18 to 20 minutes, turning often to cook evenly. To serve split lobster in half lengthwise and remove stomach (small sac) behind head. Pull out intestinal vein running down the center and crack the claws. Serve with melted butter and lemon wedges. Yield: Allow 1 lobster per person, unless you've invited JT and me, because we'll require two each. From "Gourmet International Barbecue Cookbook" (1972)

Honolulu Cooler

Southern Comfort was one of those liquors that I always nipped at during my younger, pre-legal drinking days. They advertised in Penthouse, which led to the inevitable conclusion that drinking SoCo would get me in bed with hot naked chicks. Whaddya want, I was like 10!

Anyhow, at no time in my life has a chick walked up to me wearing a toga made out of a Southern Comfort towel. Frankly, this would make life much easier for us guys because it would instantly remove any nagging doubts from our beer-addled minds. The SoCo toga tells us: "Hi, I'm cheap and easy. You are going to get some, but go light on the booze slugger, you'll need to deliver the goods later."

This drink is apparently the choice of the surf set at Sheraton's Royal Hawaiian Hotel. I'll need some independent authorization before I buy that.

• Juice of 1/2 lime
• 1 jigger (1 1/2 oz.) Southern Comfort
• Hawaiian pineapple juice

Pack tall glass with crushed ice. Add lime juice, Southern Comfort. Fill with pineapple juice; stir. As refreshing as the surf at Waikiki! From "Beachcombers' Happy Hour Bar Guide" (1971)

Safari Tonic

Since the gang's going to be hanging poolside, I'm guessing they'll be working up a mighty big thirst. Which means there might not be enough Honolulu Cooler to go 'round. Having taken that into consideration, here's an exotic drink for your guests to enjoy.

Over ice cubes in an 8 oz. glass add 1 jigger Schenley Reserve or Schenley Gin. Add juice and hull of lemond wedge. Fill with chilled tonic. Stir lightly.

Okay, I'm not sure what's so "exotic" about it, but it IS exotic sounding. From "How to Give Exotic Parties" (1963)

Cherries Jubilee

Remember that great 'Saturday Night Live' sketch for "Shimmer," the floor wax AND dessert topping? Well, this Paul Masson recipe pamphlet must be the "Shimmer" of corporate recipe booklets – they can't make up their OWN mind. It's a cookbook... it's a drink book... no, it's BOTH!

After a full day of boozing it up poolside, what better way to end the evening than with some flaming alcohol? It goes without saying that we here at The Hungover Gourmet do not encourage the mixing of flames and booze, but you're all adults.

• 1 lb. black pitted cherries
• 2 tbsp. sugar
• 1 tbsp. cornstarch
• 2 slices lemon
• 1/2 cup Paul Masson Tawny Port
• 1/2 cup Paul Masson Brandy
• 1 1/2 pints vanilla ice cream or
• 6 slices plain cake

Into blazer of chafing dish, pour juice from cherries, and boil until reduced to 1/2 cup. Mix sugar and cornstarch well; stir into juice. Heat and stir until clear. Add cherries, lemon slices, and Tawny Port; reheat. Heat brandy, slightly, pour over cherries, and touch with a lighted match. As flames die down, ladle over ice cream or cake and serve. Makes 6 servings. From "Ways With Wine: A Cook Book, A Drink Book" (1966)

Feeling patriotic? Check out our Stars & Stripes BBQ Menu