Speaking of the Battle of the Bulge, now that's a name for an invasion. D-Day, that was another good one. Operation Desert Storm? They wanted that to have some sort of macho cachet, but it just wasn't happening. In fact, the more ya hear it the less impressive it sounds; especially when you realize we're back at square one with these idiots in Iraq.

Hell, if Bush was so convinced that the American people were behind him he should've had a single mandate for those troops: "You don't leave Iraq till Saddam Hussein is pushing up daisies." Sign that sob's death warrant right then and there. Guys would've been lining up to deliver a nuclear bomb to Hussein's palace rather than spend another day in that uncomfortable excuse for a nation, eating mass-produced Oxtail Soup.

But enough about our feelings on the Middle East. Oh, okay, here's one more. Turn it into a parking lot. Screw France and the Russkies. Clinton looks like a bigger and bigger pussy every single time he opens his mouth on this topic. Alright, so he's a draft-dodging pot-smoker, but this is one time I wish that hillbilly had the balls of Reagan.

Whew... what does this have to do with cooking? So far, nothing. I think I might've mentioned the lack of books written by Army cooks up above, but I'm in a pretty frenzied anti-Clinton, anti-Hussein, pro-Smart Bomb mood at this moment.

If you're like me and haven't served a day in the services in your life, then your impressions of Armed Forces cooks also come from the wonderful world of television and movies. That means Igor from M*A*S*H and Frank Castanza's flashbacks on Seinfeld have shaped your Army cook worldview. Granted, as lame as M*A*S*H became in later years, some of the best episodes during the day had food at their center. Who can forget Hawkeye's impassioned "We want something else!" tirade, or the tracking down of ribs from a joint in the Windy City? Or, how about the Spam Lamb created after Radar spirited away the main course for a Greek Easter feast? Sheer hilarity to be sure, and some of the moments I've held onto years after watching it all deal with food. Is this a good thing?

And, since we're on the subject of 70s sitcoms, wouldn't Alice have been much better if it dealt with how an ex-Armed Forces cook dealt withthe "normals" around him? (A moment of silence for Vic Tayback, if you will.)

The inspiration for this piece and the menu that follows can be attributed to the Army and Navy cookbooks donated by Diane Hartman, one of Danté's thrifting buddies. While 1966's Dare to Excel in Cooking: Award Winning Group Recipesof USS Semmes provides some of the illustrations shown on the cover and these pages, it's 1942's War Department Technical Manual: The Army Cook that made us wonder what the hell was going on in the Armed Forces kitchens back in the day.

The Army Cook leaves nothing to the imagination, going so far as to address cooking in these terms...

• "Cooking is the art of preparing food to retain the maximum nutrtive value, while improving digestability and palatability, to the end that the soldier will enjoy his meals and still be adequately nourished."
• "The Army cook holds a responsible position, as the health and contentment of troops depend largely on the quality of the cooking for their mess."
• "As the cook gains experience and uses his imagination, he is able to produce each day culinary triumphs surpassing those of the day before."

I don't know, it sounds like some guy 2000 miles from the front line is really trying to sell the importance of cooking to a bunch of gun-carrying soldiers looking to put a hole in some Jap, Gerry, or Mussolini-loving Italian!

There are many passages in this book that I'd love to share with you readers, but I'm too busy figuring out how I can introduce the concept of rations into my household. I pray that The Hungover Gourmet will never be pressed into service and asked to help US troops fight some enemy that could easily be defeated by launching a couple tv-equipped cruise-missles.

Until then, you'll have to live with what is my current favorite passage: "c. Brains - Brains and sweetbreads are much alike in tenderness and texture, and may be used in much the same way. An occasional mess including brains is looked upon with favor by Army men."

Uh, okay. If that's what our troops had to look forward to, I'm wondering why WWII took so long to wrap up!

Check out our menu of typical mess-hall meals from the Armed Forces!

[This article originally appeared in THG #2]